Are you talking like a pirate? Do you live near malacca?

[saltdawg]

If you ain't speaking Somali or Maylay or Hmoung or Indonesian today, you ain't REALLY talking "like a pirate"

I've been without a viable firearm in the house for months now. It makes me nervous. NOt that I'm fearful of a home invasion or rioting and looting in my (formerly) blue-collar slum, but a guy needs to have something to fall back on other than a set of brass knuckles, or a .80 caliber flintlock muzzleloader or a .22 cal 'gallery gun'. So today, while taking a short break from slobbering paint on the house I called a gun store in Woonsocket, where I used to work with the crazy folks as a Jr. Psychiatrist.

Saltdog: "Um, I'm interested in buying a shotgun, do you have any Remington 870's in stock?"
Goober: "Well we got ONE, but it's used. Its got a fully modified choke and a 26" barrel"
SD: "Um,(trying to figure out how a 26" barrell would make the LOA, trying to remember exactly what "choke" does to a shotgun. And why.) O.K. How much you askin'?"
Goober: "A hundred and eighty"
SD: "Great. I'll be in around five thirty..."

So I go to the gun shop. I poke around, slaberating over the handguns, and cursing the dutchess for stealing my Baretta, which is now worth almost double what I paid for it.

After a while Goober asks me if I need any help. I say "yeah, I called this morning about shotguns..."

Oh! He says and starts pulling these monstrous shotguns from the rack. They were almost as long as my freaking MUSKET for chrissakes. "Umm...Do you have anything smaller?" "Like for deer hunting? A slug gun?" he asks. (thinking to myself that all you REALLY need for slugs is a pickle-jar cap full of beer and some salt...) "uh, no, for like, um, HOME?"

"OH!" A great big smile comes across his face and before I know what is going on, I have my dream weapon, a mossberg mariner, in my hands. "This is what the COAST GUARD uses for drug interdiction and boarding refugee boats and shit" He says. I look at the price tag. $375.

"Uh, do you have anything, um, a little more affordable?"

Well we got this one...

The "boys" hanging out in the store start getting all excited. "I wanted to buy that one"..."You promised me you'd save it for me"..."The action is like silk on that gem"..."that's the same thing as the mossberg, only better 'cus it don't have all that shit all over it"..."You don't even need to LOAD that gun, just hearing the action would make a guy piss hisseslf"...

He handed me a used "riot" gun. Price? $160.

I tried the action. I slid it one handed. And it KER-CLACKED with more conviction than the Mossberg, or my old remington.

"I'll take it"

I had to fill out the paperwork and Goober took me over to the ammo section to explain how THIS box of shells would put a seven inch hole in a man from ten feet away. "It'd KILL ANYBODY you shot it at" and "that gun and this load makes for a TIGHT pattern, but the velocity of these shells is low so it won't go through walls like buck-shot would"

"I'll take two"

And then, like gun-shop owners do, he dropped into an apologetic voice as I was counting out twenties. He dropped into his apologetic voice and explained that "you know, the STATE won't let you take your weapon HOME TODAY! It's not for like any kind of background check or nothing, they have, what they call a 'COOLING OFF' period of seven days. So's you don't just go home and shoot your wife" and he chuckled.

I told him, with a straight face:

I'd probably still be mad at that bitch in a week anyway.

All the boys laughed. Goober smiled and winked.

"I'll see you next Mon-day (all sing-song)..." he says, the boys laughed some more.

And I jangled the bell on the door, clutching my two boxes of special "law enforcement" shells to my chest.

Comments

[merovingian.livejournal.com]

It's funny. When I went and bought my shotgun, I had an extremely similar situation: bought a cheap Winchester Defender 1200, totally happy with it. Used. $150. Waiting period.

The gun store owner quoted Homer Simpson: "Seven days? But I'm mad NOW!"

(Then there was that time in October 2001 when I took it to the airport. My aunts and uncles all heard that story and make fun of me for it at every family wedding.)

[gashlycrumb.livejournal.com]

I have a (now expired) FOID card. I still have never fired a gun. Something needs to be done about this.

[brian-berlin.livejournal.com]

great post - i enjoyed reading it! do you remember anything else about the coast guard gun (make and model)

I decided a while back that I'm going to focus less on handguns and more on long guns

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

You mean you OWN this gun, or are you suggesting it? Maybe we better move to e-mail...

I was hoping you were offering me this (http://www.taurususa.com/imagesThumbs/T_PP22NG.jpg)

Gun fun

[trenchwench.livejournal.com]

Have you seen the compacts? Such a pritty item.
It's weird.
I'm pretty solidly a tofu-friendly, tree-hugging, animal-rights protecting freak -- but when it comes to guns my heritage shows through the bone. I adore guns. Especially handguns. I grew up in the Dakotas and was thoroughly inducted in the gun club by my gun collecting (and thankfully liberal) uncle.* I used to go to the shooting range with my girlfriends back in college and sometimes target shooting (and the accompanying adrenaline rush) was the only thing that could soothe out the deadline-induced stress. I'd never aim a gun at an living creature, but targets are all-right.

One of the reasons that I miss my big bother so much is that when he moved to Texas he took his Ruger with him. Such a lovely kick.

*I say "thankfully liberal" because if this guy were to be a scary conservative religous nutter, his collection of guns could lead to another PR nightmare of WACO-like proportions.

[qp4.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna buy an M4 just like I carry now when I get home. They got lighter versions, custom versions, fully auto versions, but I'm getting the one I got right now.

And when I say that I mean with the 30 round mags with tracers at the bottom. With the pistol group and the PAC-4. With the M68 red dot, and the tactical flashlight.

I don't know why exactly. I just know that now I need one.

And maybe some NVGs too, if I can swing it.

I suspect the world is safer because I don't own a gun.

[behsharam.livejournal.com]

I've never shot a gun. I've held one maybe three times. I'd try it but I'm not motivated enough to find a shooting range.

Sad, yes?

[slutbunwalla.livejournal.com]

I accidentally shot a gun through my then boyfriend's wall.
I thinking I was shaking for a good 2 hours. Funny thing is, he never found out about it, and he was in the house at the time.

Have not shot one since.

[modmonsterparty.livejournal.com]

holy shit, $160?