Are you talking like a pirate? Do you live near malacca?

[saltdawg]

If you ain't speaking Somali or Maylay or Hmoung or Indonesian today, you ain't REALLY talking "like a pirate"

I've been without a viable firearm in the house for months now. It makes me nervous. NOt that I'm fearful of a home invasion or rioting and looting in my (formerly) blue-collar slum, but a guy needs to have something to fall back on other than a set of brass knuckles, or a .80 caliber flintlock muzzleloader or a .22 cal 'gallery gun'. So today, while taking a short break from slobbering paint on the house I called a gun store in Woonsocket, where I used to work with the crazy folks as a Jr. Psychiatrist.

Saltdog: "Um, I'm interested in buying a shotgun, do you have any Remington 870's in stock?"
Goober: "Well we got ONE, but it's used. Its got a fully modified choke and a 26" barrel"
SD: "Um,(trying to figure out how a 26" barrell would make the LOA, trying to remember exactly what "choke" does to a shotgun. And why.) O.K. How much you askin'?"
Goober: "A hundred and eighty"
SD: "Great. I'll be in around five thirty..."

So I go to the gun shop. I poke around, slaberating over the handguns, and cursing the dutchess for stealing my Baretta, which is now worth almost double what I paid for it.

After a while Goober asks me if I need any help. I say "yeah, I called this morning about shotguns..."

Oh! He says and starts pulling these monstrous shotguns from the rack. They were almost as long as my freaking MUSKET for chrissakes. "Umm...Do you have anything smaller?" "Like for deer hunting? A slug gun?" he asks. (thinking to myself that all you REALLY need for slugs is a pickle-jar cap full of beer and some salt...) "uh, no, for like, um, HOME?"

"OH!" A great big smile comes across his face and before I know what is going on, I have my dream weapon, a mossberg mariner, in my hands. "This is what the COAST GUARD uses for drug interdiction and boarding refugee boats and shit" He says. I look at the price tag. $375.

"Uh, do you have anything, um, a little more affordable?"

Well we got this one...

The "boys" hanging out in the store start getting all excited. "I wanted to buy that one"..."You promised me you'd save it for me"..."The action is like silk on that gem"..."that's the same thing as the mossberg, only better 'cus it don't have all that shit all over it"..."You don't even need to LOAD that gun, just hearing the action would make a guy piss hisseslf"...

He handed me a used "riot" gun. Price? $160.

I tried the action. I slid it one handed. And it KER-CLACKED with more conviction than the Mossberg, or my old remington.

"I'll take it"

I had to fill out the paperwork and Goober took me over to the ammo section to explain how THIS box of shells would put a seven inch hole in a man from ten feet away. "It'd KILL ANYBODY you shot it at" and "that gun and this load makes for a TIGHT pattern, but the velocity of these shells is low so it won't go through walls like buck-shot would"

"I'll take two"

And then, like gun-shop owners do, he dropped into an apologetic voice as I was counting out twenties. He dropped into his apologetic voice and explained that "you know, the STATE won't let you take your weapon HOME TODAY! It's not for like any kind of background check or nothing, they have, what they call a 'COOLING OFF' period of seven days. So's you don't just go home and shoot your wife" and he chuckled.

I told him, with a straight face:

I'd probably still be mad at that bitch in a week anyway.

All the boys laughed. Goober smiled and winked.

"I'll see you next Mon-day (all sing-song)..." he says, the boys laughed some more.

And I jangled the bell on the door, clutching my two boxes of special "law enforcement" shells to my chest.

Comments

[merovingian.livejournal.com]

It's funny. When I went and bought my shotgun, I had an extremely similar situation: bought a cheap Winchester Defender 1200, totally happy with it. Used. $150. Waiting period.

The gun store owner quoted Homer Simpson: "Seven days? But I'm mad NOW!"

(Then there was that time in October 2001 when I took it to the airport. My aunts and uncles all heard that story and make fun of me for it at every family wedding.)

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

Man. I wish I'd remembered that line when I was in the store.

How many times has your family been maried?

[merovingian.livejournal.com]

Between zero and one times per family member, oddly enough.

Uh, inclusive of zero and one.

And, you know, always in twos.

[gashlycrumb.livejournal.com]

I have a (now expired) FOID card. I still have never fired a gun. Something needs to be done about this.

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

I'm a moron.

FOID?

Explain/explain how I can exploit this conection...

[gashlycrumb.livejournal.com]

No connection, unfortunately.

FOID = Firearm Owner Identification Card

Here, you have to have one to even fire at a range. Only in the suburbss, of course, handguns being illegal in the city limits.

I've always wanted to learn how to shoot. My gun-owning friends would never take me; they said it was because I startle too easily, but I'm pretty sure it was because I wasn't as hot as the Russian chick they ended up taking instead.

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

Russian chicks are good for about three things.

And besides one, none of them beyond the age of nineteen.

[gashlycrumb.livejournal.com]

I love that icon.

One of those things must be living out Bond-girl fantasies.

What are the others?

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

Err...pulling the plow. Making good needlepoint. Extracting the "best" goat milk for some cheese.


I suppose Hailie Berry pulls a good goat-cheese plow?

[gashlycrumb.livejournal.com]

I couldn't say, I've never seen a Bond movie.

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

Sacrelidge. Actually, The movies are all tripe. Tripe from the golden calf, but tripe none-the-less.

There was one summer when I was un employed where this local odd lot store was selling "bond" books for three for a buck. I bought each and every book FLEMMING wrote. The movies have little to do with flemming's vision. "octopussy" was a seven page short story, where bond made a nominal appearance...Now I have Sheena Easton tourturing me.

Thunderball is good. Goldfinger worth the cultural touchstone.

Austin Powers #2 was the best of the lot...

[brian-berlin.livejournal.com]

great post - i enjoyed reading it! do you remember anything else about the coast guard gun (make and model)

I decided a while back that I'm going to focus less on handguns and more on long guns

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

It's a Mossberg Mariner. A riot gun (magazine of aprox seven shells) made out of STAINLESS STEEL. Of course 'Goober' was feeding me disinformation. The USCG uses the mossberg, but not the mariner. It's too expensive for them. The $375 was actually a pretty good deal, but with the upcoming nuptuials and all, I can't be spending that kind of cash.

You have any smallish hand guns you are looking to sell off? I've been wanting to get something like a .380 snubnose revolver to keep on the ship. In case of pirates. Really. But I'm afraid of spending too much cash on something that is, by definition, disposable. I really like the North American Arms (http://www.naaminis.com/) line, but it's cost prohibative. However the black powder belt-buckle gun is wicked fucking cool. I could wear that HERE with impunity. Anyways.

Gets yourself a blunderbuss. That's my favorite weapon, but after my father gave me the Brown Bess, he took eminent domain over my 'buss. I love the guy like he was my father, but every time I see my 'buss hanging on his wall I get all kinds of flustercated.

[brian-berlin.livejournal.com]

yeah, i have just the gun for you. taurus ultralight .38 spec

I think this is the gun

http://www.taurususa.com/products/product-details.cfm?model=85SHC&category=Revolver

[brian-berlin.livejournal.com]

you going to be anywhere near here any time in the near future?

Saltdog@gmail.com

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

most likely. The ship is still in china. Roumors are that she'll be taking a load of ashphault to MIdway, or grain to Eritriea. In any case, my ship seems to have been relegated to overseas ONLY duty. And we load most of our grain in galveston, lake charles or (a year or so from now?) the river. In any case...I'm very interested. ATF be damned. I'd rather be fired for having a weapon on board than die from fucking monkey-pirates. I'm sure you've read my entries regarding the pirates...The Somalian thing didn't scare me so much, despite the RPG's they had, but the fact that a tug and barge gotr took less than ten knots away from us and only ONE crew member has been found? I suggested thinner and flares, but the captain feared for his licence.

I'd much rather be in my state room KILLING the motherfuckers before they kill me than worry about job or license.

Besides. If I was the only man left standing, wouldn't that make me captain?

Unless Tammy X was there. She's always in control. Weather we like it or not.

Re: Saltdog@gmail.com

[ex-939624.livejournal.com]

I'm only in control when given a squirt bottle. Otherwise, I prefer to watch and occasionally point and laugh. I do a lot of tidying up on my companions, as well, despite the fact that I've been wallering in the surf for three days straight.

I'm not a fan of guns. However, my donation after hurricane katrena was a case of 9 mm bullets and some clean underwear to the NOLA pd.

Cassay is snoring.

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

You mean you OWN this gun, or are you suggesting it? Maybe we better move to e-mail...

I was hoping you were offering me this (http://www.taurususa.com/imagesThumbs/T_PP22NG.jpg)

[brian-berlin.livejournal.com]

yeah, i own this gun and no longer want it. going to long guns - except for my .22 pistol, i'll keep that one

brian.berlin@kemahfire.com but i'm turning in in a few minutes

Gun fun

[trenchwench.livejournal.com]

Have you seen the compacts? Such a pritty item.
It's weird.
I'm pretty solidly a tofu-friendly, tree-hugging, animal-rights protecting freak -- but when it comes to guns my heritage shows through the bone. I adore guns. Especially handguns. I grew up in the Dakotas and was thoroughly inducted in the gun club by my gun collecting (and thankfully liberal) uncle.* I used to go to the shooting range with my girlfriends back in college and sometimes target shooting (and the accompanying adrenaline rush) was the only thing that could soothe out the deadline-induced stress. I'd never aim a gun at an living creature, but targets are all-right.

One of the reasons that I miss my big bother so much is that when he moved to Texas he took his Ruger with him. Such a lovely kick.

*I say "thankfully liberal" because if this guy were to be a scary conservative religous nutter, his collection of guns could lead to another PR nightmare of WACO-like proportions.

Re: Gun fun

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

It's funny how shooting guns can be such a charthisis. So moving, so SATISFYING. One of the things I love about my musket is that you can fire just black powder, at will. Black powder is legal. I can get drunk and shoot off blanks in my backyard without the cops having anything on me except for maybe a noise complaint.

And NONE of my neighbors is going to complain about ME. Trust me.

I don't like killing animals, but some times it's nessescary. Like the pigeons that infest my house. Or the mice that are migrating over here from the house they are gutting across the street.

And if you want a kick, I suggest firing a .80 Caliber musket.

[qp4.livejournal.com]

I'm gonna buy an M4 just like I carry now when I get home. They got lighter versions, custom versions, fully auto versions, but I'm getting the one I got right now.

And when I say that I mean with the 30 round mags with tracers at the bottom. With the pistol group and the PAC-4. With the M68 red dot, and the tactical flashlight.

I don't know why exactly. I just know that now I need one.

And maybe some NVGs too, if I can swing it.

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

See that's the thing about guns. You need 'em. You don't know why, you just need 'em. And I completely understand how you would want one exactly like the one you've got (hell, I'd like to have one like you've got). But then you get the non gun people, the forigners and whatnot (yes, smokedamage, I'm talking about you...) that can't understand why anyone would even want a gun. Wouldn't even think about trying to shoot one. But we both know it's because they are afraid that they might actually LIKE it...

Stay safe.

I suspect the world is safer because I don't own a gun.

[behsharam.livejournal.com]

I've never shot a gun. I've held one maybe three times. I'd try it but I'm not motivated enough to find a shooting range.

Sad, yes?

[slutbunwalla.livejournal.com]

I accidentally shot a gun through my then boyfriend's wall.
I thinking I was shaking for a good 2 hours. Funny thing is, he never found out about it, and he was in the house at the time.

Have not shot one since.

[modmonsterparty.livejournal.com]

holy shit, $160?