IF I DID IT, Orient Road.

I realize that I neglected to add that the other cop that showed up tried to tazer me while I was wedged in the door of the cruiser. So that's twice I was tazered at the scene.

So once I'm in the cruiser, I start to calm down a little bit. I knew that once the cuffs are on, they aren't coming off, so even though I had just been beaten, and tazered by this guy, we get to talking a little. He keeps asking me why I didn't just walk away? I told him that I had no place else to go, and that if I did walk away, I'd probably pass out in a bush and get arrested for public intox. He laughed, and told me that I was probably right.

Once we finally make it to the Hillsborough county lock up, I was getting a little agitated again. Not with the cop, but with myself for being in this situation. Again. I believe that the other cop had radioed the deputies at the jail that I was "difficult" to control and about the lack of tazer effect. There were about eight deputies waiting for me in side the car-port. And that's when the abuse really started. They dragged me out of the car and let me drop right into the pavement, headfirst. Then they started dragging me towards the door (I'm still Hog-Tied at this point). They took the cuffs off my legs when we reached the door, so they wouldn't have to drag me up a couple of steps, but they were shoving me around and I was slamming into shit. It's all unclear because so much was going on and I was still kind of drunk. Anyway, the deputies were taunting me and saying shit about what a tough guy I thought I was and how they'll show me just how tough I really am and shit like that. I'm all pissed off, but I was actually keeping it cool.

My superpower, aside from my high pain threshold, is the fact that when I become flooded with adrenaline, everything slows down. All my thoughts become crystal clear and logical. I can see everything happening (kind of) three steps ahead. That's why I was such a good Security Guard way back when. And that's exactly why I get into cop trouble. They don't like it when I can verbally take them apart, tear their bloated egos to shreds. Even while they are beating me. I'm still talking to them in a normal voice and questioning their actions and why they feel the need to do "this" to me, or if they did "that" to me because they have mother issues and shit I can't even remember because I only get to be that smart when I'm all flooded with adrenaline. So they are running me through the initial stages of booking...Removing all the shit I had in my pockets, getting my name and DOB and whatnot. Meanwhile, I'm doing a running commentary on weather infantalizing me was making them feel better about themselves, or were they doing it because I scared mthem, or if it was just going to make a good story in the breakroom. And so on. The more incisive I got with them the rougher they got, and the rougher they got, the more deputies surrounded me.

I was a big hit with the other inmates though. They were all hooting and cheering me on, which I suppose only encouraged me to piss them off even more, not to mention that the extra attention was ramping up the humiliation factor. So I was counting on the fact that I was only facing three misdemeanors and that I'd be able to bail myself out as soon as I sobered up. I wasn't really thinking about the fact that these were actual DEPUTIES and not just Prison Guards like we have up north. the only thing Sheriff's do around here is serve divorce papers and crap like that. I didn't know exactly where a "deputy" falls in the big picture. Anyway. I'm calmly insulting each and every one of them, they are getting really edgy with me, pushy and grabbby. And I'm headed directly at the biggest brick wall I've ever hit, at a rate of speed that I couldn't even measure. I'm still all fucked up and afraid of the police, to the point of almost being agoraphobic. Just because I was being such a smarmy wiseass. Cops don't like it when it's obvious that you are much more intelligent than they could ever hope to be. And they like to do something about it when they can. Natch.

So I have this earring. It's made out of white gold and is in the shape of a shackle. You farm-types would know what I'm talking about as a Clevis. Anyway it's a white gold shackle and it actually works. The "pin" part of the shackle goes through my ear and actually has threads that screw into the other side. It is mechanically attached to my body. It's a tradition of sailors that you earn the right to wear a gold shackle in your ear after you've been around the Cape of Good Hope.

So this was the real breaking point. One of the deputies reaches up and starts to rip my earlobe in half, thinking that the earring would just pull away. Or maybe they wanted to rip my earlobe in half, I don't know. But at that moment, I reached up with my right hand and touched the deputy's forearm, in an attempt to explain the nature of the earring and that they were RIPPING MY EARLOBE IN FUCKING HALF. But I never got that far. As soon as I reached up, KA-BOOM. All the anger I'd been building up inside of all those deputies was discharged like a giant Tesla coil of hate. There was a pig-pile, and there was a lot of kicking, punching and face-smashing into concrete things. And I was getting my licks in. I got some real good licks in, as in, I sent three deputies to the hospital licks in. All the while I kept up my banter and making them angrier and angrier...It took about ten deputies to finally restrain me. I'm not saying I'm a tough guy by any means. I'm just implying it is all.

So once they had me restrained, I got "the chair". Not the electric chair, but this thing was HORRIBLE. They put you in this chair made from nylon and steel. The leg-base is wide so you can't knock it over on its side. Believe me, I tried for several hours. They put you in this chair and strap your arms to the arms, your legs to the legs and your chest to the back. You are immobile in a sitting position for as long as they want to leave you there. Try it sometime. Sit in an upright chair without being to move anything except for your head and fingers. It gets pretty uncomfortable after about ten minutes. But I was being punished. And if I had just stopped then, If I had just shut the fuck up, I probably would have gotten the chair and left in the morning with only the three original charges. But I was pissed and was enjoying making them so angry at their own stupidity that I kept running my mouth about brutality and whatnot and finally I did the really, really bad thing. One of the deputies came charging at me and tried to put his hand over my mouth while screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP" at me. When he tried to put his hand over my mouth, I opened it wide.

I opened my mouth and gently closed it so that his middle finger was between my teeth. I had a very light grip on the finger, but one thing that scares the living fuck out of anyone in that type of profession is getting bit. This was when it got really tense. Dude who was telling me to shut the fuck up got real quiet and called for some help. All the deputies piled into the room with "the Chair". And I began to give them a lecture. With dude's finger in my mouth. I told them all about abuse of power and lack of brain function. I told them all sorts of stuff, but the main point I was making was the fact that despite it taking ALL of them to even get in the chair in the first place, I was still in complete control of the whole situation. That all I had to do was apply a little pressure and deputy would lose his finger because he was abusing me. That they should treat people with respect and not animals and blah blah blah. You get the picture. And they all stood there, listening to my mumbles because there was NOTHING they could do! They didn't know if I'd really bite dude's finger off or not. They had no Idea what I was capable of at that point. I finished my lecture on respect and treating people like humans and how they were operating under an illusion of control and something about them being sub-humans. And then, as gently as I gripped dude's finger, I let go. And promptly got smashed in the face several times. Both before and after they put the bag over my head.

A nurse came in and treated all my wounds. She was really nice and told me that she couldn't stand working there because the guards were so violent. She apologized for my injuries and I think she secretly wanted to tell me that she agreed with my "finger Speech" but refrained from getting that sympathetic publicly. When my attorney tried to contact her for a deposition months later, she'd left the jail.

So then I started acting like even more of an asshole. I mean I was really acting like a giant asshole. I needed to take a leak, and they wouldn't let me out of the chair. For whatever reason, I decided that strapped down and with a bag over my head, the best course of action would to begin screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. The adrenaline was gone, and the discomfort from the chair and my bladder were taking over my actions from the "intelligent" part of my brain. So I'd scream and swear and then pass out for a little while, only to have my bladder wake me up again. So I'd scream and swear more.

After being in the chair for about 4 and a half hours, I finally gave in. I pissed myself.

And THAT was exactly what they were waiting for. Once I had humiliated myself, they snatched the victory back from my jaws. They un-strapped me and paraded me around in front of all the other prisoners so they could see that I'd pissed myself. BUt, jesus god, it felt so good to finally let loose. I probably should have pissed myself as soon as they strapped me in. Anyway, they paraded me around and issued me prison orange. They gave me a sandwich, and the watch had changed at some point and the guy who was finishing up my booking, mugshots, etc Kept telling me that "I hear you were quite a handful last night!" I'd just grumble back that I heard that too...

So come eight o'clock, they herded us all into a central area and were going to issue us PIN numbers for our phone call. When I got up to the PIN number guy's desk, he looked at my record and said: "there's something wrong here...Hold on a minute...It looks like they are adding some charges on to you, but they are still processing it." I never got a PIN. I never got my phone call.

I waited around Orient Road jail until late afternoon, when they called out a bunch of names. They called out my name, and actually separated me from everyone else. See, we were getting on the bus for Falkenburg jail. The simply cuffed everyone else. They put me in manacles and put the chain around my waist connected to the hand-cuffs. I was singled out for special treatment.

When we got to Falkenburg, I was supposed to get thrown in Solitary confinement. Ad-Seg they call it. But when I shuffled into the "pod" the Ad-Seg deputies looked at me, read my sheet and asked me why I had sent three of their "brothers" to the hospital. Was I on DRUGS? they wanted to know. I told them that, no, I wasn't on drugs, that I just don't react well to being abused. They laughed at that, and told my escort that "look at this guy...He doesn't belong here...Send him to Gen-Pop.

Which they did, and I never got the phonecall which I had a RIGHT to for three days. I truely believe they did that in order to allow my bruises and cuts to heal a little before I could get out.

And I have to go be an uncle. I'll try and get to the three days in Falkenburg tomorrow.

But there you have it. I beat up three deputies bad enough that they went to the hospital, and kept the entire orient road operation at a standstill while I had a dude's finger lightly held in my teeth and lectured them about abuse of power and how they should be better human beings. I ended up with three felony counts of "battery on a Law Enforcement officer" and was looking at something like 30 years in prison.

By the way, look up "orient road jail" on youtube, there's a lot of footage of those bastards.